I've been working so hard that I can't even recognize myself. I've been forgetting to eat and living on one meal per day for two weeks. I simply don't have time for food and sleep anymore. I keep finding myself more and more stuff to do. I keep overloading myself and looking for more. I keep letting my body eat herself.
 
  Working for the sake of being busy becomes the major source of happiness and satisfaction. I get don't feel depressed I just feel anxious.  There's always so much more to do. There're always so many more ways to do better. I registered for 5 classes and a lab for next semester and I still feel inadequate and stupid.  I am not nearly close to perfection so I need quantity to even things out.

  Math is neither my talent nor my interest but given enough hard work I am quite capable of doing well above average, considering I am the least interested in becoming a mathematician. And the intellectual pleasure I got out of math is something other disciplines cannot offer. Economics is useful but I got angry in class once in a while. The kids in econ class are just unbelievable. We were watching this film about third world labor market, when there was this close-up of a disabled guy describing how he lost his arm the audience crowd burst into laughter. We were discussing the market failure at macro level in the film Inconvenient Truth, the kids just refused to believe global warming is happening and they argued that "I don't want to hear Al Gore to tell me about this since he doesn't have a Science degree".  There's nothing  wrong  with  disagreement but please, make your argument more at least sound more intelligent. Bad luck doesn't mean bad class, just bad teachers. Most professors here I encountered are extremely intelligent and responsible. But I got bad luck with this economics class. The teacher pulled out all the equations to figure out fixed costs so I just raised my hand and say the total fixed costs are constant. She didn't get it and asked me to draw it on the blackboard. In the exam there was this weird graph with two curves of different scales. I believe it doesn't make mathematic sense so I went to ask her and she was like, you are on the right track and I can't give you any more hints. I looked at my paper and thought to myself, what the fuck. Am I looking at a blank sheet or what. Where the hell does the right track come from.
 
  I have three exams this week and some essays and some 280 homework and a take home and another exam next Monday. Not including the gallery work and meetings and projects and everything else important that I have to do. I worked so hard I made sure I know everything. I think I aced the first test but I just got raped by the second. I think I've pushed myself too hard that the marginal productivity begins to be subjected to the law of diminishing returns. Just kidding.

  I don't pity myself anymore. I got out the exam and cried for a few moments. And then I packed my bag and started walking to the library. I called a few people whom I trust. But nobody picked up the damned phone. Whatever. Nobody should care about me. Including myself. No time for pity and sensitivity. I packed up my mood and went back to work again. There are two exams ahead after all. And so many other things.
 
  I think ceasing to care about my body is just a beginning. I simply stopped to care about the world. I think it's some sort of self-defense mechanism for caring too much. As to what is happening in Tibet...I simply refused to comment anymore. And I don't plan on posting my thoughts here. The so called "Free World" doesn't make sense to me here. Neither is the Chinese government.The discussion made me wanna cry. Whatever. The frustration leads me to this strange empathy for the beautiful lady Iris Chung who killed herself a couple of years ago. I used to believe with enough intelligence the capability of controlling emotions and psychological deviation within a rational being will be adequate to prevent stupid incidents such as suicide from happening. By discussing about China with people I suddenly  understood why  she killed herself. Of course the two things are totally unrelated. But I totally understand her. It's nothing about intelligence and rationality. Her intelligence is just the source and justification of her anger, frustration, lost of identity and the aloof sympathy over the stupid multitude.

  I retrieved to the realm of math because this is a world justified by dictatorship. There is no hypocrisy no hierarchy no hypersensitivity. People in that world are kind and easy by nature. And most importantly, you don't get to discuss democracy with them.